Brand new year, brand new you.

I've been thinking of late about New Year's resolutions.

Maybe this seems a bit premature to you--after all, we haven't even seen the tail end of Christmas yet. But remember, you'll be standing in whatever place you usually stand on everybody-go-out-and-get-blind-drunk-night in a mere two weeks' time.*

So, it's high time you start thinking about your resolution, if you're in the habit of such things. I offer this reminder purely as a professional courtesy. I myself don't believe I've ever resolved to do anything on New Years' Day, unless you count the stalwart assertion that under no circumstances would I allow anyone to make me eat black-eyed peas and ham hocks. I can resolve and then recant any old day of the week. I don’t need a National Holiday to help me do it.

If I had any bad habits (and I'm not saying I do) I already know that resolving to give them up would just destine me to failure. Decades of wasted time, money, and effort have taught me that once I make it official--whatever it is--it's just no fun anymore. Back in the eighties, I was more than happy to Jazzercise myself to the point of heatstroke every afternoon--until somebody convinced me to join the fitness club. As soon as my check cleared the bank, I didn't want to go anymore. If I were to join the National Breathing Association, I'd have to lay down and die right here and now. I just can't be happy as a part of a large, organized effort.

As a writer, the only thing I hate worse than penning a cliche, is being one. I think I'd rather change my life on a day when nobody's paying the least bit of attention. At least that way, I'm the only one who knows that I don't have what it takes to cut in in Jazzercise.

graphic, Zoran Ožetski.

*As for me, I haven't been able to think of anything else since I realized that we were about to turn our calendars over to the year 2008. Why, that's just almost 2010! Look at it--2010. That's blade runner talk there, and I'm not ready. Inexplicably, I still occasionally date my checks 2004!